"Remnants of the Past"

I just want to start out by saying I am blessed. However, I  was not always able to see my blessings. As a child, the story and scene of my life was a complete different one. There was no father in my life, only a mother who tried her best with what she was given. Unlike now, many times I would wake up wondering if there would be food to eat or clean clothes to wear. 

A childhood can shape a person in so many ways, and I am convinced many times it isn't merciful. So much hurt, bitterness, anger, mistrust, and pride waits and brews, but often overlooked is the existence of forgiveness, mercy, and understanding. It took many years for me to understand my sinful nature, forgiveness and mercy and when I finally did, it was so liberating to my soul. I was finally able to stop expecting so much from people in my life who I thought owed me something: an explanation, an apology, reasons for why my life was the way it was.

And when I stopped believing I deserved those things I was also free to love them and serve them. It didn't stop the hurt from coming from time to time, but now I can cry freely and understand that it is okay to cry and bring my hurt before Jesus.I am comforted by the fact that God knew of all of my fears and pains during those hard times and sustained me through them, just like he sustains me today.  

Along with those memories which come and go often, I also have memories of sinful, selfish and bad choices I have made which caused me pain and suffering. Don't we all have something we wish we could go back and change? Guilt loves to come and remind me of those too. 

I am ashamed at how easy it is for me to forget all of the humbling experiences and take all I have now for granted. I know now that I don't need to sit and grieve what to me was a hard childhood, but I can sit, look back, and simply thank God for his provision during those hard times and be grateful for what he has given me to enjoy now.

Now I understand I was blessed in those hard days too. I was blessed to get food and clothes just in time. I was blessed to have a mother, sisters and brothers to play with and talk to. I was blessed to have a place to sleep at night. I was blessed to be able to go to school and have teachers rooting for me and helping me. I know many people do not get to experience that.  And I am blessed now although my trials and hardships look different.

My words to you my friends is that when the past threatens to hurt you and unleash bitterness still even now, remember the Father's grace. His grace has been present since the beginning. His grace was ultimately displayed at the Cross and the freedom He has given us in Christ. No matter what your past involved there was and is grace in it even if you cannot see it. I pray that God will reveal it to you and draw you to Himself, to free you and let you see how blessed you are. 

The Active Life

Tyler and I went on a lovely run on the morning of May 26 on the beach in Morro Bay, towards Morro Rock. 4.15 miles one day and 5 miles two days later. I forgot to tell you all about my running journey!!

In January 2012 I had a surgery procedure called  a pilonidal cystectomy performed. Basically I had a cyst removed from my tailbone area. I remember that day very clearly, from arriving 3 hours early and getting into a cap and gown to being wheeled into the cold operating room and being injected with liquid fire that knocked me out. Next thing I knew I was waking up in the recovery room with several other gurneys occupied with patients still in a slumber. After being discharged from the hospital, I went home and laid on my stomach as I could naturally not sit.

Nausea overwhelmed me for the first two days after the surgery. For the following four months I continued to lay on my couch, rarely sitting because it was painful and uncomfortable. I lay mostly on my stomach and only got up a few times to hobble around.

Eventually I got the stitches removed and healing was apparently going well. However, my lack of sitting and walking began to take a toll on my hips and my body in general. I lost about 20 pounds and my hips grew very stiff. All of the muscles in my legs because non-existent. I felt a lot weaker as well.

With the help of iodine and a special pillow, my incision finally healed after a long eight months. I started stretching to try to get full movement and elasticity in my hips again, but I was afraid to work out or run for fear that I would feel pain or that my incision would open up again (It had trouble sealing closed). For that reason, I did not want to try to run or exercise too vigorously for a long time.

After a year, I finally decided I wanted to jog. It was not okay for a 23 year old like me to lose her breath so easily. Yes, I was scared. Yes, I was nervous. But I was determined. A little reinforcer for my new goal was the Nike+ running app. It is a neat app that I downloaded on my phone, and it keeps track of your distance and time.

So, after a year, I put on my soccer shorts and cute Nike shoes, and hit the "Start" button! It felt so weird! My legs felt extremely wobbly and I was so out of breath. It was not a "good run" in the least but I kept going. I ran 1.5 miles that day...and I felt GREAT afterward! No pain or discomfort to worry about and I oddly enough enjoyed feeling my meager muscles throb and hearing myself breathe so heavily. I wanted to do it again the next day.

Slowly but surely I started putting in the miles. My 10.5 minute miles turned into faster times and the distance I ran grew longer. I am by no means fast, just a bit faster than I was. It has been about four months now since I started running again and I am enjoying it so much! It is my goal to run at least three times a week and since I sit at a desk at work all day, running allows me to stretch my legs and get some physical activity in. Running has also helped me relieve stress, look more fit for my husband, and has rejuvenated me in so many other ways! For example, I used to drink coffee every morning and had done so for the past two years. However it has been about a month since I stopped drinking a cup every morning! I no longer rely on the caffeine to energize me for the day.
Overall, I've really enjoyed running again and am grateful to God for allowing me to come to this point in my life again. A place where I'm pain free and healed, and can be active again. I'd like to thank my husband also for always encouraging me and also my sister in law Jessica for running with a slow poke like me!

So I encourage you all to take that step to a more active lifestyle even if you're nervous or scared. You can do it! I'm sure you're all wondering what my running playlist consists of right? Well, that's an easy one--Lecrae of course!

A Knee-Knocking Experience

Today's writing prompt of choice, courtesy of 642 Things To Write About:

That time you were the most terrified-your knees were knocking, your heart was racing, you could barely stand to be in your own skin:

I can hardly think of it without cringing. I still question that decision to this day. It would be a once in a lifetime experience they said! My knees were knocking before we even started and still more as we sat down. All around us strangers were laughing and joking as if nothing were wrong with what we were about to do. How can they be so calm and happy at a time like this? I looked around bewildered hoping to find a reflection of my feelings in another's face, but I found nothing. No understanding connection with anyone else in the small space we were in. Is anyone else here human?! It was so horrid that I wanted it to be over yet it had not even begun. Attempting to preoccupy myself with a happy place, I turned my thoughts to friends, old memories, anything to slow my racing mind. Oh to be anywhere else but here!

At last the room dimmed to darkness and the "experience of a lifetime" began much to my dread. The sounds emanating from around us caused my knees to knock together with no chance of me stopping them at all. How uncontrollable was their shaking! A light in the distance caught my eye and my stomach could barely prepare itself for the violent flipping that ensued! Laughter echoed somewhere in the distance and I desperately wished for the ability to laugh instead of the continual non stop shrieking happening in my head.  Pictures and scenes flashed before my eyes but I could not enjoy them nor could I bear them. My eyes squeezed tightly shut in hopes that the flipping and falling sensation would stop but to my horror it did not! I wondered how much longer I would have to suffer this way. At last after what seemed like an eternity of torment my heart began to slow, my muscles began to relax, and the spinning sensation eased. I opened my eyes and saw a light growing brighter in the distance. A wave of happiness and relief rushed through my being, my fists unclenched, and my scream finally dissipated into space. Scrambling and full of adrenaline, I searched for a way out and found it. Never again will I voluntarily get onto the "Back to the Future" ride at Universal Studios.

:)

*This is fresh and unedited (sorry), and I felt like sharing this experience with you. If you could not tell from this piece, I extremely dislike roller coasters or simulations of roller coasters! I have tried to overcome the fear but the experience is so full of anxiety for me that it is not fun. Isn't that sad?! Maybe some day. Writing this was really fun!