This is what I was screaming in my head. I actually also said this out loud in between heavy sobs to my husband who was standing there watching me with a bewildered look on his face.
Here is what was happening: While up and around, I hurt myself where healing was not yet complete from my surgery. I felt a sharp pain and so I gasped then got really scared. I was in a bit of pain and really upset at my limited mobility. After all, it had been 2 months since the surgery. I was determined to do things myself, but when I reached for the fridge door all of my rationale suddenly disappeared. Before I knew it I was sobbing uncontrollably. I couldn’t seem to stop, so I blindly waddled toward the Kleenex box. Fear was behind this wonderful tantrum of mine.
“I have been praying and praying! I’m still not healed! And I’m scared! And exhausted!”
Doubt added fuel to the fire.
“Where is God?! He doesn’t care about me! He can’t and won’t give me peace!”
Stop. Did you catch that? The lie. The lie that begin to capture my attention and affections more than the Spirit which was saying, "Go back to the Cross! Go back to the Word!”
Never before have I had such a strong and vivid experience of my flesh clashing with my spirit. My flesh— Godless and evil in its purest form, was overwhelming and merciless. It attacked my emotions and my mind. “He doesn’t care…He can’t and won’t give me peace…” I did not desire to read anything or pray because I was so focused on my circumstance. I focused more on my circumstance than my Savior, and I thought I knew what was best, when in reality there was nothing I could do.
The tears would not stop coming. They only seemed to intensify everything. Ten minutes passed. 15 minutes. 20 minutes. My sobs dwindled down to whimpers. Then I finally heard it. You have been empowered to fight unbelief. The moment the perfect sinless Son of the most Holy God gave up His life in your place on the cross, died, and rose again sin and death were defeated. As a daughter of God you have the ability to fend off the doubts, lies, and blasphemies straight back to the depths of hell.
O for the faith and endurance to draw near to Christ! May I rejoice in this time of sanctifying affliction and trust in the Sovereignty of my Maker as I heal. And may I remember the true peace that was secured at Calvary between God and sinners.
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. John 14:27
For he himself is our peace, who has made us both one and has broken down in his flesh the dividing wall of hostility. Eph. 2:14
For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. Romans 8:6
For God is not a God of confusion but of peace. 1 Cor. 14:33
I can wear myself out just being frustrated with my circumstances where if I would rest and wait and be still before the Lord, there wouldn’t be half the emotional expenditure that sometimes there is. ~Nancy Leigh DeMoss
No comments:
Post a Comment