A Knee-Knocking Experience

Today's writing prompt of choice, courtesy of 642 Things To Write About:

That time you were the most terrified-your knees were knocking, your heart was racing, you could barely stand to be in your own skin:

I can hardly think of it without cringing. I still question that decision to this day. It would be a once in a lifetime experience they said! My knees were knocking before we even started and still more as we sat down. All around us strangers were laughing and joking as if nothing were wrong with what we were about to do. How can they be so calm and happy at a time like this? I looked around bewildered hoping to find a reflection of my feelings in another's face, but I found nothing. No understanding connection with anyone else in the small space we were in. Is anyone else here human?! It was so horrid that I wanted it to be over yet it had not even begun. Attempting to preoccupy myself with a happy place, I turned my thoughts to friends, old memories, anything to slow my racing mind. Oh to be anywhere else but here!

At last the room dimmed to darkness and the "experience of a lifetime" began much to my dread. The sounds emanating from around us caused my knees to knock together with no chance of me stopping them at all. How uncontrollable was their shaking! A light in the distance caught my eye and my stomach could barely prepare itself for the violent flipping that ensued! Laughter echoed somewhere in the distance and I desperately wished for the ability to laugh instead of the continual non stop shrieking happening in my head.  Pictures and scenes flashed before my eyes but I could not enjoy them nor could I bear them. My eyes squeezed tightly shut in hopes that the flipping and falling sensation would stop but to my horror it did not! I wondered how much longer I would have to suffer this way. At last after what seemed like an eternity of torment my heart began to slow, my muscles began to relax, and the spinning sensation eased. I opened my eyes and saw a light growing brighter in the distance. A wave of happiness and relief rushed through my being, my fists unclenched, and my scream finally dissipated into space. Scrambling and full of adrenaline, I searched for a way out and found it. Never again will I voluntarily get onto the "Back to the Future" ride at Universal Studios.

:)

*This is fresh and unedited (sorry), and I felt like sharing this experience with you. If you could not tell from this piece, I extremely dislike roller coasters or simulations of roller coasters! I have tried to overcome the fear but the experience is so full of anxiety for me that it is not fun. Isn't that sad?! Maybe some day. Writing this was really fun!

The Lie I Believed

“I am so tired of this! It is so scary and painful and I just want to be normal again!”

This is what I was screaming in my head. I actually also said this out loud in between heavy sobs to my husband who was standing there watching me with a bewildered look on his face.

Here is what was happening: While up and around, I hurt myself where healing was not yet complete from my surgery.  I felt a sharp pain and so I gasped then got really scared. I was in a bit of pain and really upset at my limited mobility. After all, it had been 2 months since the surgery.  I was determined to do things myself, but when I reached for the fridge door all of my rationale suddenly disappeared. Before I knew it I was sobbing uncontrollably. I couldn’t seem to stop, so I blindly waddled toward the Kleenex box. Fear was behind this wonderful tantrum of mine.

“I have been praying and praying! I’m still not healed! And I’m scared! And exhausted!”

Doubt added fuel to the fire.

“Where is God?! He doesn’t care about me! He can’t and won’t give me peace!”

Stop. Did you catch that? The lie. The lie that begin to capture my attention and affections more than the Spirit which was saying, "Go back to the Cross! Go back to the Word!”

Never before have I had such a strong and vivid experience of my flesh clashing with my spirit. My flesh— Godless and evil in its purest form, was overwhelming and merciless. It attacked my emotions and my mind. “He doesn’t care…He can’t and won’t give me peace…”  I did not desire to read anything or pray because I was so focused on my circumstance.  I focused more on my circumstance than my Savior, and I thought I knew what was best, when in reality there was nothing I could do.

The tears would not stop coming. They only seemed to intensify everything. Ten minutes passed. 15 minutes. 20 minutes. My sobs dwindled down to whimpers. Then I finally heard it. You have been empowered to fight unbelief. The moment the perfect sinless Son of the most Holy God gave up His life in your place on the cross, died, and rose again sin and death were defeated. As a daughter of God you have the ability to fend off the doubts, lies, and blasphemies straight back to the depths of hell.

O for the faith and endurance to draw near to Christ! May I rejoice in this time of sanctifying affliction and trust in the Sovereignty of my Maker as I heal. And may I remember the true peace that was secured at Calvary between God and sinners.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. John 14:27

For he himself is our peace, who has made us both one and has broken down in his flesh the dividing wall of hostility. Eph. 2:14

For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. Romans 8:6

For God is not a God of confusion but of peace. 1 Cor. 14:33


I can wear myself out just being frustrated with my circumstances where if I would rest and wait and be still before the Lord, there wouldn’t be half the emotional expenditure that sometimes there is. ~Nancy Leigh DeMoss

What A Privilege!

I had a death grip on the door and the center console. I kept nervously glancing at my dear husband who kept saying "How far are we? My eyes are burning so bad." I kept calling out "Slow down, Tyler, wake up! You can do it! We are almost there!" Let me give you a picture of where we were: in the foothills. There were so many curves and it was a two-lane road. And it was 9:30p.m.

Our surroundings were hidden from sight by darkness, only leaving what our headlights exposed for our guidance. Cars were driving toward us with their brights on, blinding us for seconds at a time. I was really scared, and Tyler was not helping by telling me he could barely keep his eyes open. So, for the next 2.5 hours, I was a passenger driver, telling him to stay in his lane when he started drifting (which he did a few times) and asking him to slow down. I was so tense. My eyes were wide open watching the road like a hawk and my body was stiff as I held on tight. I was hoping to catch sight of the lights to the city somewhere but they were nowhere in sight.

I was in no position to drive because of my recent surgery. As I constantly glanced sideways at Tyler, I saw (or thought I saw) his eyes drifting closed and I would again say his name and urge him to stay awake. At last, after what seemed like hours we made it to Kettleman city. We stopped and I bought him some coffee then made him stretch and rest for a few minutes. I was so happy to be out of those foothills! I was convinced that from there on out there would be no danger of flying off of cliffs and the rest of the drive would go smoothly.

Well it didn't.

Tyler was still tired and so for the following two hours I continued trying to encourage him (without sounding scared). At long last we made it home and I was so stressed out physically that I just went to bed and pitied myself. Tyler however, woke up as soon as we pulled onto the driveway and told me he could not have done it without me (then he proceeded to eat something). This experience parallels with some of my privileges as his wife.

1.) I was chosen to be Tyler's helper for the rest of our lives. Whether I am afraid or not.

I can be such a scaredy-cat all the time, but the difference lies in whether I am paralyzed by my fear or am able to quench it. By God's grace I will be able to quench it when it threatens. At that moment, helping my husband meant helping him stay awake and forcing myself to remain as calm as possible.

2.) I get to be my husband's second eyes.

I get to see and point out things he does not see. So when he begins to lose focus, I will call him back to reality. I also get to care for his soul now, and I must warn him when he is in danger of spiritually drifting. This is the beginning of "watching over the ways of my household." (Proverbs 31). In order to do this, it is my responsibility to communicate with him to know how he is doing and to saturate myself in God's word to help with discernment.

3.) I get to pray for him.

He is behind the wheel. While this can bring him joy, satisfaction, and fulfillment, it can also be stressful, exhausting, and overwhelming. He, like I, needs His Savior day by day to help fight against self-pity, anger, pride, etc. I can be an agent of prayer for him daily. I can pray that Tyler relies on God and His Word alone for strength as he steers our marriage day by day.

4.) I get to encourage him.

When he (or his eye) hurts I need to be there to encourage and root him on, because for the rest of our lives we will be "almost there." Even when the headlights are blinding us and the wind is strong. I get to encourage him with the promises God has made to us in Christ. What is more encouraging than that?! In order to encourage him in those, I must know and believe these promises myself (by God's grace and through His word).

Many times throughout that drive, flashes of anger cursed through me. "He does not care about my safety. He does not care that I am scared. I am so upset with him, how dare he?" He does care about me, and he assured me later he would never want to endanger us. He was simply tired and was honest about it.

By God's grace, I can kill that selfish self-centered thinking and instead be helpful to him in a loving, selfless and respectful manner daily. What a privilege!