A New Chapter

The days have become longer and sweeter. Our family has gone from two to three and our lives have increased in good measure! It is filled not only with sweet giggles and tiny little fingers and toes, but diaper blowouts and teary meltdowns. Our six month old is only getting more curious and mobile too!  Having a baby is definitely very life changing and has proven to have its difficulties from day one. However, I feel that I can confidently say I finally feel like I have somewhat of a routine going that suits our little family!

Besides having a baby (who was born after 18 hours of labor on December 27, 2014 and weighing 9lbs 2oz) Tyler and I decided that it was time for me to "retire" from the workplace to stay at home with our son. Many women would love an opportunity to be able to stay at home, and I am one of them. I was excited about this change in my "career" but I was also extremely nervous. Since the age of 16, I had held a job out in the world...with adult people and deadlines and bosses, unlimited coffee and verbal praise, financial compensation, and the best part: being able to go home after putting in my hours.

So you can see how easy the transition would be for me. I decided I could easily just use the same methods I used at work to run and organize my home and everything would be just dandy. Perfectly neat lists and calendars would help me reach my goals, plan meals, and help me keep a tidy home as Luke napped all day long, because, duh, babies sleep a lot.

Found this online. Yes. Just yes. 

Well as you may have guessed, it did not work out that way at all. What I expected was not what panned out because that is just the way life is when you go through a big transition and newborns don't sleep very long at all. While I had tried to prepare as much as I could, there was nothing to prepare me for the recovery of giving birth to a big baby, and the extreme fatigue that came with that. It seems that yes, somehow a woman manages to use every single muscle in her body during labor, even ones she never knew existed! Then there was the no sleeping for about a week straight all the while trying to establish nursing with your brand new baby who was waking about every three hours screaming for nourishment. Is it just me or does everything seem worse at 1am?

I would like to take a second and give a huge thank you to "Grammy" Gail Enns because she came over and was so helpful. She watched Luke so I could rest and she cleaned and brought meals. So did Grandma Enns and I just don't know what I would do without them! Anyway, after I was doing better and my adventure began (when I was finally home alone with Luke) I started realizing how overwhelmed I was and I would just sit and look at the mess around me. I had these huge expectations of myself and how I would be a great homemaker and I expected to just be able to jump in headfirst (I am an extremely organized person, ask any of my previous bosses). But no, instead I just stared at the mess around me and yes I would cry and Tyler would hear my apologies over and over when he got home and there was no dinner. Poor Tyler had to deal with all the hormones still raging in me.

I was taking naps while Luke slept and that meant I was getting the rest I needed but I would wake up and still see my 'lack of productivity' and get overwhelmed again. Little did I know I was being productive because I was caring for Luke's needs.  See how crazy I am? I should have been thrilled for the chance to sleep! But no, I was too anxious and still stuck in my "work and produce, and you will be happy and make your husband happy" mindset. This is the weird phase I would describe as my "blues" period because I was torn between learning everything about how to care for this adorable baby to wanting to wash the dishes and do laundry and for pete's sake take the trash out that stunk because that would give me a visual measurement of my productivity.

These past few months I realized that I do not for one second regret holding Luke while he slept instead of washing the dishes. Or staring into his curious little eyes instead of folding the laundry. Watching him during tummy time was amazing and letting him explore my hands and face with his tiny fingers: the best ever! He 'conversates' with me (blah, blah, ma-ma-ma) and smiles when he sees me. I can not explain what that does to my heart...it makes it swell with love and pride and gratitude! Those first few weeks at home are so amazing and important, and I learned a lesson again: you can't control anything so just enjoy the moments you are in. A baby will easily show you that!

I have a new boss and his name is Luke. He has my heart, and I will do anything for him. He can't pay me and he won't let me "go home" at the end of the day but that is okay because I know this is what I am meant to be doing. I was created to be Luke's mommy and Tyler's wife and I don't want to spend my days lamenting over my failures as a home maker. What I want to remember is relying on Christ for strength, and filling my home with love and grace. Now that things have settled down a bit and Luke and I have figured each other out, I have been able to set a few goals for myself that are tangible and realistic. It feels great!

To share a few personal goals: take showers (you laugh now but just wait until you have an infant), clean what I can, go to the gym, read, practice calligraphy, plan dinner. It has been going well and I am happy with where I am! A big thank you to Tyler who keeps me grounded and is so good with Luke! I will never forget how you took care of me post partum and how you naturally jumped into "daddy mode"...swoon. Grammy and grandpa, thank you for wanting to babysit and for loving Luke so much!

Some of you may be thinking: "seriously you're just a stay at home mom, how hard can it be?" I'd like for you to give it a try. Come on over. Life's about to get crazier because Luke is about to start crawling! I thought it would be easier too. Ha.  All I know is that God is good and babies are gifts. And the joy I've experienced can never be found at a forty hour workplace.  I am excited to continue forward and watch my little boy grow and I can only pray for strength for today.

By the way, Luke takes regular naps now and that's how I was able to write this. See? I'm getting better. 

What A Privilege!

I had a death grip on the door and the center console. I kept nervously glancing at my dear husband who kept saying "How far are we? My eyes are burning so bad." I kept calling out "Slow down, Tyler, wake up! You can do it! We are almost there!" Let me give you a picture of where we were: in the foothills. There were so many curves and it was a two-lane road. And it was 9:30p.m.

Our surroundings were hidden from sight by darkness, only leaving what our headlights exposed for our guidance. Cars were driving toward us with their brights on, blinding us for seconds at a time. I was really scared, and Tyler was not helping by telling me he could barely keep his eyes open. So, for the next 2.5 hours, I was a passenger driver, telling him to stay in his lane when he started drifting (which he did a few times) and asking him to slow down. I was so tense. My eyes were wide open watching the road like a hawk and my body was stiff as I held on tight. I was hoping to catch sight of the lights to the city somewhere but they were nowhere in sight.

I was in no position to drive because of my recent surgery. As I constantly glanced sideways at Tyler, I saw (or thought I saw) his eyes drifting closed and I would again say his name and urge him to stay awake. At last, after what seemed like hours we made it to Kettleman city. We stopped and I bought him some coffee then made him stretch and rest for a few minutes. I was so happy to be out of those foothills! I was convinced that from there on out there would be no danger of flying off of cliffs and the rest of the drive would go smoothly.

Well it didn't.

Tyler was still tired and so for the following two hours I continued trying to encourage him (without sounding scared). At long last we made it home and I was so stressed out physically that I just went to bed and pitied myself. Tyler however, woke up as soon as we pulled onto the driveway and told me he could not have done it without me (then he proceeded to eat something). This experience parallels with some of my privileges as his wife.

1.) I was chosen to be Tyler's helper for the rest of our lives. Whether I am afraid or not.

I can be such a scaredy-cat all the time, but the difference lies in whether I am paralyzed by my fear or am able to quench it. By God's grace I will be able to quench it when it threatens. At that moment, helping my husband meant helping him stay awake and forcing myself to remain as calm as possible.

2.) I get to be my husband's second eyes.

I get to see and point out things he does not see. So when he begins to lose focus, I will call him back to reality. I also get to care for his soul now, and I must warn him when he is in danger of spiritually drifting. This is the beginning of "watching over the ways of my household." (Proverbs 31). In order to do this, it is my responsibility to communicate with him to know how he is doing and to saturate myself in God's word to help with discernment.

3.) I get to pray for him.

He is behind the wheel. While this can bring him joy, satisfaction, and fulfillment, it can also be stressful, exhausting, and overwhelming. He, like I, needs His Savior day by day to help fight against self-pity, anger, pride, etc. I can be an agent of prayer for him daily. I can pray that Tyler relies on God and His Word alone for strength as he steers our marriage day by day.

4.) I get to encourage him.

When he (or his eye) hurts I need to be there to encourage and root him on, because for the rest of our lives we will be "almost there." Even when the headlights are blinding us and the wind is strong. I get to encourage him with the promises God has made to us in Christ. What is more encouraging than that?! In order to encourage him in those, I must know and believe these promises myself (by God's grace and through His word).

Many times throughout that drive, flashes of anger cursed through me. "He does not care about my safety. He does not care that I am scared. I am so upset with him, how dare he?" He does care about me, and he assured me later he would never want to endanger us. He was simply tired and was honest about it.

By God's grace, I can kill that selfish self-centered thinking and instead be helpful to him in a loving, selfless and respectful manner daily. What a privilege!