A New Chapter

The days have become longer and sweeter. Our family has gone from two to three and our lives have increased in good measure! It is filled not only with sweet giggles and tiny little fingers and toes, but diaper blowouts and teary meltdowns. Our six month old is only getting more curious and mobile too!  Having a baby is definitely very life changing and has proven to have its difficulties from day one. However, I feel that I can confidently say I finally feel like I have somewhat of a routine going that suits our little family!

Besides having a baby (who was born after 18 hours of labor on December 27, 2014 and weighing 9lbs 2oz) Tyler and I decided that it was time for me to "retire" from the workplace to stay at home with our son. Many women would love an opportunity to be able to stay at home, and I am one of them. I was excited about this change in my "career" but I was also extremely nervous. Since the age of 16, I had held a job out in the world...with adult people and deadlines and bosses, unlimited coffee and verbal praise, financial compensation, and the best part: being able to go home after putting in my hours.

So you can see how easy the transition would be for me. I decided I could easily just use the same methods I used at work to run and organize my home and everything would be just dandy. Perfectly neat lists and calendars would help me reach my goals, plan meals, and help me keep a tidy home as Luke napped all day long, because, duh, babies sleep a lot.

Found this online. Yes. Just yes. 

Well as you may have guessed, it did not work out that way at all. What I expected was not what panned out because that is just the way life is when you go through a big transition and newborns don't sleep very long at all. While I had tried to prepare as much as I could, there was nothing to prepare me for the recovery of giving birth to a big baby, and the extreme fatigue that came with that. It seems that yes, somehow a woman manages to use every single muscle in her body during labor, even ones she never knew existed! Then there was the no sleeping for about a week straight all the while trying to establish nursing with your brand new baby who was waking about every three hours screaming for nourishment. Is it just me or does everything seem worse at 1am?

I would like to take a second and give a huge thank you to "Grammy" Gail Enns because she came over and was so helpful. She watched Luke so I could rest and she cleaned and brought meals. So did Grandma Enns and I just don't know what I would do without them! Anyway, after I was doing better and my adventure began (when I was finally home alone with Luke) I started realizing how overwhelmed I was and I would just sit and look at the mess around me. I had these huge expectations of myself and how I would be a great homemaker and I expected to just be able to jump in headfirst (I am an extremely organized person, ask any of my previous bosses). But no, instead I just stared at the mess around me and yes I would cry and Tyler would hear my apologies over and over when he got home and there was no dinner. Poor Tyler had to deal with all the hormones still raging in me.

I was taking naps while Luke slept and that meant I was getting the rest I needed but I would wake up and still see my 'lack of productivity' and get overwhelmed again. Little did I know I was being productive because I was caring for Luke's needs.  See how crazy I am? I should have been thrilled for the chance to sleep! But no, I was too anxious and still stuck in my "work and produce, and you will be happy and make your husband happy" mindset. This is the weird phase I would describe as my "blues" period because I was torn between learning everything about how to care for this adorable baby to wanting to wash the dishes and do laundry and for pete's sake take the trash out that stunk because that would give me a visual measurement of my productivity.

These past few months I realized that I do not for one second regret holding Luke while he slept instead of washing the dishes. Or staring into his curious little eyes instead of folding the laundry. Watching him during tummy time was amazing and letting him explore my hands and face with his tiny fingers: the best ever! He 'conversates' with me (blah, blah, ma-ma-ma) and smiles when he sees me. I can not explain what that does to my heart...it makes it swell with love and pride and gratitude! Those first few weeks at home are so amazing and important, and I learned a lesson again: you can't control anything so just enjoy the moments you are in. A baby will easily show you that!

I have a new boss and his name is Luke. He has my heart, and I will do anything for him. He can't pay me and he won't let me "go home" at the end of the day but that is okay because I know this is what I am meant to be doing. I was created to be Luke's mommy and Tyler's wife and I don't want to spend my days lamenting over my failures as a home maker. What I want to remember is relying on Christ for strength, and filling my home with love and grace. Now that things have settled down a bit and Luke and I have figured each other out, I have been able to set a few goals for myself that are tangible and realistic. It feels great!

To share a few personal goals: take showers (you laugh now but just wait until you have an infant), clean what I can, go to the gym, read, practice calligraphy, plan dinner. It has been going well and I am happy with where I am! A big thank you to Tyler who keeps me grounded and is so good with Luke! I will never forget how you took care of me post partum and how you naturally jumped into "daddy mode"...swoon. Grammy and grandpa, thank you for wanting to babysit and for loving Luke so much!

Some of you may be thinking: "seriously you're just a stay at home mom, how hard can it be?" I'd like for you to give it a try. Come on over. Life's about to get crazier because Luke is about to start crawling! I thought it would be easier too. Ha.  All I know is that God is good and babies are gifts. And the joy I've experienced can never be found at a forty hour workplace.  I am excited to continue forward and watch my little boy grow and I can only pray for strength for today.

By the way, Luke takes regular naps now and that's how I was able to write this. See? I'm getting better. 

The Lie I Believed

“I am so tired of this! It is so scary and painful and I just want to be normal again!”

This is what I was screaming in my head. I actually also said this out loud in between heavy sobs to my husband who was standing there watching me with a bewildered look on his face.

Here is what was happening: While up and around, I hurt myself where healing was not yet complete from my surgery.  I felt a sharp pain and so I gasped then got really scared. I was in a bit of pain and really upset at my limited mobility. After all, it had been 2 months since the surgery.  I was determined to do things myself, but when I reached for the fridge door all of my rationale suddenly disappeared. Before I knew it I was sobbing uncontrollably. I couldn’t seem to stop, so I blindly waddled toward the Kleenex box. Fear was behind this wonderful tantrum of mine.

“I have been praying and praying! I’m still not healed! And I’m scared! And exhausted!”

Doubt added fuel to the fire.

“Where is God?! He doesn’t care about me! He can’t and won’t give me peace!”

Stop. Did you catch that? The lie. The lie that begin to capture my attention and affections more than the Spirit which was saying, "Go back to the Cross! Go back to the Word!”

Never before have I had such a strong and vivid experience of my flesh clashing with my spirit. My flesh— Godless and evil in its purest form, was overwhelming and merciless. It attacked my emotions and my mind. “He doesn’t care…He can’t and won’t give me peace…”  I did not desire to read anything or pray because I was so focused on my circumstance.  I focused more on my circumstance than my Savior, and I thought I knew what was best, when in reality there was nothing I could do.

The tears would not stop coming. They only seemed to intensify everything. Ten minutes passed. 15 minutes. 20 minutes. My sobs dwindled down to whimpers. Then I finally heard it. You have been empowered to fight unbelief. The moment the perfect sinless Son of the most Holy God gave up His life in your place on the cross, died, and rose again sin and death were defeated. As a daughter of God you have the ability to fend off the doubts, lies, and blasphemies straight back to the depths of hell.

O for the faith and endurance to draw near to Christ! May I rejoice in this time of sanctifying affliction and trust in the Sovereignty of my Maker as I heal. And may I remember the true peace that was secured at Calvary between God and sinners.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. John 14:27

For he himself is our peace, who has made us both one and has broken down in his flesh the dividing wall of hostility. Eph. 2:14

For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. Romans 8:6

For God is not a God of confusion but of peace. 1 Cor. 14:33


I can wear myself out just being frustrated with my circumstances where if I would rest and wait and be still before the Lord, there wouldn’t be half the emotional expenditure that sometimes there is. ~Nancy Leigh DeMoss

O, Help My Unbelief!

  I know my flesh is at war with my spirit. It is a real battle. But I must continue to fight sin. Anyone who belongs to Christ must fight. I had a moment the other day in which I vividly experienced the reality of this war. I was distressed; I had anxiety about post-surgery pain and fear something would go wrong in the healing process. Mark Driscoll was right when he said: Fear in the mind leads to anxiety in the body.  I was wrong to despair, however, and I was wrong to not run to God's word. 

I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love,

because you have seen my affliction;

you have known the distress of my soul,

and you have not delivered me into the hand of the enemy;

you have set my feet in a broad place.

Be gracious to me, O LORD, for I am in distress;

my eye is wasted from grief;

my soul and my body also.

For my life is spent with sorrow,

and my years with sighing;

my strength fails because of my iniquity,

and my bones waste away.

(Psalm 31:7-10 ESV)

What was happening in my mind... 

What I should have done. :) Make sure you do when in distress.

Spot the first risings of your besetting sin and kill it, till it is no more. ~John Piper

‎"Though our feelings come and go, His love for us does not. It is not wearied by our sins, or our indifference; and, therefore, it is quite relentless in its determination that we shall be cured of those sins, at whatever cost to us, at whatever cost to Him." - CS Lewis


Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints,
(Ephesians 6:10-18 ESV)