Four Years of Bliss

My darling husband,

 I can't believe we've been married four years already! I will never be able to fully believe that you chose me to be your wife. I am immeasurably blessed.

So much has happened in the past four years...we've changed jobs, become parents, changed churches, tackled trials together, have fought calamity individually, and God has been SO good through it all! He is still working in us and our lives even in the moments when we feel distant from Him. We are and will be a work in progress until we go home. So, it is my prayer that we rejoice at our struggles and praise Him for our blessings. On this road together, we must continue to trust him. You have been so strong and resilient through everything, ever so patient, and such an amazing daddy. I love the way Luke lights up when he sees you. It's so amazing!
Thank you for your continual grace and kindness, and for continuing to accept me... flaws and all! You're doing great dealing with this weird, dramatic and temperamental Mexican. ;)

So, here's to the next chapter of our lives, our continual adventure,
which is bound to still be filled with mistakes, arguments, and lots of ice cream. To more babies, more grace, more growth, more challenges, more scripture, more prayer, more fellowship, more sacrifice, more trust, more humility, more praise, more weird poems (from me), more dancing, more laughter, and more LOVE (if that's even possible).

I'm so happy you are my God ordained soul mate and companion on this lifelong adventure. I have a feeling the best is yet to come. I love you always and forever, Tyler Enns.

Con todo mi amor,

Grecia

A New Chapter

The days have become longer and sweeter. Our family has gone from two to three and our lives have increased in good measure! It is filled not only with sweet giggles and tiny little fingers and toes, but diaper blowouts and teary meltdowns. Our six month old is only getting more curious and mobile too!  Having a baby is definitely very life changing and has proven to have its difficulties from day one. However, I feel that I can confidently say I finally feel like I have somewhat of a routine going that suits our little family!

Besides having a baby (who was born after 18 hours of labor on December 27, 2014 and weighing 9lbs 2oz) Tyler and I decided that it was time for me to "retire" from the workplace to stay at home with our son. Many women would love an opportunity to be able to stay at home, and I am one of them. I was excited about this change in my "career" but I was also extremely nervous. Since the age of 16, I had held a job out in the world...with adult people and deadlines and bosses, unlimited coffee and verbal praise, financial compensation, and the best part: being able to go home after putting in my hours.

So you can see how easy the transition would be for me. I decided I could easily just use the same methods I used at work to run and organize my home and everything would be just dandy. Perfectly neat lists and calendars would help me reach my goals, plan meals, and help me keep a tidy home as Luke napped all day long, because, duh, babies sleep a lot.

Found this online. Yes. Just yes. 

Well as you may have guessed, it did not work out that way at all. What I expected was not what panned out because that is just the way life is when you go through a big transition and newborns don't sleep very long at all. While I had tried to prepare as much as I could, there was nothing to prepare me for the recovery of giving birth to a big baby, and the extreme fatigue that came with that. It seems that yes, somehow a woman manages to use every single muscle in her body during labor, even ones she never knew existed! Then there was the no sleeping for about a week straight all the while trying to establish nursing with your brand new baby who was waking about every three hours screaming for nourishment. Is it just me or does everything seem worse at 1am?

I would like to take a second and give a huge thank you to "Grammy" Gail Enns because she came over and was so helpful. She watched Luke so I could rest and she cleaned and brought meals. So did Grandma Enns and I just don't know what I would do without them! Anyway, after I was doing better and my adventure began (when I was finally home alone with Luke) I started realizing how overwhelmed I was and I would just sit and look at the mess around me. I had these huge expectations of myself and how I would be a great homemaker and I expected to just be able to jump in headfirst (I am an extremely organized person, ask any of my previous bosses). But no, instead I just stared at the mess around me and yes I would cry and Tyler would hear my apologies over and over when he got home and there was no dinner. Poor Tyler had to deal with all the hormones still raging in me.

I was taking naps while Luke slept and that meant I was getting the rest I needed but I would wake up and still see my 'lack of productivity' and get overwhelmed again. Little did I know I was being productive because I was caring for Luke's needs.  See how crazy I am? I should have been thrilled for the chance to sleep! But no, I was too anxious and still stuck in my "work and produce, and you will be happy and make your husband happy" mindset. This is the weird phase I would describe as my "blues" period because I was torn between learning everything about how to care for this adorable baby to wanting to wash the dishes and do laundry and for pete's sake take the trash out that stunk because that would give me a visual measurement of my productivity.

These past few months I realized that I do not for one second regret holding Luke while he slept instead of washing the dishes. Or staring into his curious little eyes instead of folding the laundry. Watching him during tummy time was amazing and letting him explore my hands and face with his tiny fingers: the best ever! He 'conversates' with me (blah, blah, ma-ma-ma) and smiles when he sees me. I can not explain what that does to my heart...it makes it swell with love and pride and gratitude! Those first few weeks at home are so amazing and important, and I learned a lesson again: you can't control anything so just enjoy the moments you are in. A baby will easily show you that!

I have a new boss and his name is Luke. He has my heart, and I will do anything for him. He can't pay me and he won't let me "go home" at the end of the day but that is okay because I know this is what I am meant to be doing. I was created to be Luke's mommy and Tyler's wife and I don't want to spend my days lamenting over my failures as a home maker. What I want to remember is relying on Christ for strength, and filling my home with love and grace. Now that things have settled down a bit and Luke and I have figured each other out, I have been able to set a few goals for myself that are tangible and realistic. It feels great!

To share a few personal goals: take showers (you laugh now but just wait until you have an infant), clean what I can, go to the gym, read, practice calligraphy, plan dinner. It has been going well and I am happy with where I am! A big thank you to Tyler who keeps me grounded and is so good with Luke! I will never forget how you took care of me post partum and how you naturally jumped into "daddy mode"...swoon. Grammy and grandpa, thank you for wanting to babysit and for loving Luke so much!

Some of you may be thinking: "seriously you're just a stay at home mom, how hard can it be?" I'd like for you to give it a try. Come on over. Life's about to get crazier because Luke is about to start crawling! I thought it would be easier too. Ha.  All I know is that God is good and babies are gifts. And the joy I've experienced can never be found at a forty hour workplace.  I am excited to continue forward and watch my little boy grow and I can only pray for strength for today.

By the way, Luke takes regular naps now and that's how I was able to write this. See? I'm getting better. 

"Remnants of the Past"

I just want to start out by saying I am blessed. However, I  was not always able to see my blessings. As a child, the story and scene of my life was a complete different one. There was no father in my life, only a mother who tried her best with what she was given. Unlike now, many times I would wake up wondering if there would be food to eat or clean clothes to wear. 

A childhood can shape a person in so many ways, and I am convinced many times it isn't merciful. So much hurt, bitterness, anger, mistrust, and pride waits and brews, but often overlooked is the existence of forgiveness, mercy, and understanding. It took many years for me to understand my sinful nature, forgiveness and mercy and when I finally did, it was so liberating to my soul. I was finally able to stop expecting so much from people in my life who I thought owed me something: an explanation, an apology, reasons for why my life was the way it was.

And when I stopped believing I deserved those things I was also free to love them and serve them. It didn't stop the hurt from coming from time to time, but now I can cry freely and understand that it is okay to cry and bring my hurt before Jesus.I am comforted by the fact that God knew of all of my fears and pains during those hard times and sustained me through them, just like he sustains me today.  

Along with those memories which come and go often, I also have memories of sinful, selfish and bad choices I have made which caused me pain and suffering. Don't we all have something we wish we could go back and change? Guilt loves to come and remind me of those too. 

I am ashamed at how easy it is for me to forget all of the humbling experiences and take all I have now for granted. I know now that I don't need to sit and grieve what to me was a hard childhood, but I can sit, look back, and simply thank God for his provision during those hard times and be grateful for what he has given me to enjoy now.

Now I understand I was blessed in those hard days too. I was blessed to get food and clothes just in time. I was blessed to have a mother, sisters and brothers to play with and talk to. I was blessed to have a place to sleep at night. I was blessed to be able to go to school and have teachers rooting for me and helping me. I know many people do not get to experience that.  And I am blessed now although my trials and hardships look different.

My words to you my friends is that when the past threatens to hurt you and unleash bitterness still even now, remember the Father's grace. His grace has been present since the beginning. His grace was ultimately displayed at the Cross and the freedom He has given us in Christ. No matter what your past involved there was and is grace in it even if you cannot see it. I pray that God will reveal it to you and draw you to Himself, to free you and let you see how blessed you are. 

The Active Life

Tyler and I went on a lovely run on the morning of May 26 on the beach in Morro Bay, towards Morro Rock. 4.15 miles one day and 5 miles two days later. I forgot to tell you all about my running journey!!

In January 2012 I had a surgery procedure called  a pilonidal cystectomy performed. Basically I had a cyst removed from my tailbone area. I remember that day very clearly, from arriving 3 hours early and getting into a cap and gown to being wheeled into the cold operating room and being injected with liquid fire that knocked me out. Next thing I knew I was waking up in the recovery room with several other gurneys occupied with patients still in a slumber. After being discharged from the hospital, I went home and laid on my stomach as I could naturally not sit.

Nausea overwhelmed me for the first two days after the surgery. For the following four months I continued to lay on my couch, rarely sitting because it was painful and uncomfortable. I lay mostly on my stomach and only got up a few times to hobble around.

Eventually I got the stitches removed and healing was apparently going well. However, my lack of sitting and walking began to take a toll on my hips and my body in general. I lost about 20 pounds and my hips grew very stiff. All of the muscles in my legs because non-existent. I felt a lot weaker as well.

With the help of iodine and a special pillow, my incision finally healed after a long eight months. I started stretching to try to get full movement and elasticity in my hips again, but I was afraid to work out or run for fear that I would feel pain or that my incision would open up again (It had trouble sealing closed). For that reason, I did not want to try to run or exercise too vigorously for a long time.

After a year, I finally decided I wanted to jog. It was not okay for a 23 year old like me to lose her breath so easily. Yes, I was scared. Yes, I was nervous. But I was determined. A little reinforcer for my new goal was the Nike+ running app. It is a neat app that I downloaded on my phone, and it keeps track of your distance and time.

So, after a year, I put on my soccer shorts and cute Nike shoes, and hit the "Start" button! It felt so weird! My legs felt extremely wobbly and I was so out of breath. It was not a "good run" in the least but I kept going. I ran 1.5 miles that day...and I felt GREAT afterward! No pain or discomfort to worry about and I oddly enough enjoyed feeling my meager muscles throb and hearing myself breathe so heavily. I wanted to do it again the next day.

Slowly but surely I started putting in the miles. My 10.5 minute miles turned into faster times and the distance I ran grew longer. I am by no means fast, just a bit faster than I was. It has been about four months now since I started running again and I am enjoying it so much! It is my goal to run at least three times a week and since I sit at a desk at work all day, running allows me to stretch my legs and get some physical activity in. Running has also helped me relieve stress, look more fit for my husband, and has rejuvenated me in so many other ways! For example, I used to drink coffee every morning and had done so for the past two years. However it has been about a month since I stopped drinking a cup every morning! I no longer rely on the caffeine to energize me for the day.
Overall, I've really enjoyed running again and am grateful to God for allowing me to come to this point in my life again. A place where I'm pain free and healed, and can be active again. I'd like to thank my husband also for always encouraging me and also my sister in law Jessica for running with a slow poke like me!

So I encourage you all to take that step to a more active lifestyle even if you're nervous or scared. You can do it! I'm sure you're all wondering what my running playlist consists of right? Well, that's an easy one--Lecrae of course!

A Knee-Knocking Experience

Today's writing prompt of choice, courtesy of 642 Things To Write About:

That time you were the most terrified-your knees were knocking, your heart was racing, you could barely stand to be in your own skin:

I can hardly think of it without cringing. I still question that decision to this day. It would be a once in a lifetime experience they said! My knees were knocking before we even started and still more as we sat down. All around us strangers were laughing and joking as if nothing were wrong with what we were about to do. How can they be so calm and happy at a time like this? I looked around bewildered hoping to find a reflection of my feelings in another's face, but I found nothing. No understanding connection with anyone else in the small space we were in. Is anyone else here human?! It was so horrid that I wanted it to be over yet it had not even begun. Attempting to preoccupy myself with a happy place, I turned my thoughts to friends, old memories, anything to slow my racing mind. Oh to be anywhere else but here!

At last the room dimmed to darkness and the "experience of a lifetime" began much to my dread. The sounds emanating from around us caused my knees to knock together with no chance of me stopping them at all. How uncontrollable was their shaking! A light in the distance caught my eye and my stomach could barely prepare itself for the violent flipping that ensued! Laughter echoed somewhere in the distance and I desperately wished for the ability to laugh instead of the continual non stop shrieking happening in my head.  Pictures and scenes flashed before my eyes but I could not enjoy them nor could I bear them. My eyes squeezed tightly shut in hopes that the flipping and falling sensation would stop but to my horror it did not! I wondered how much longer I would have to suffer this way. At last after what seemed like an eternity of torment my heart began to slow, my muscles began to relax, and the spinning sensation eased. I opened my eyes and saw a light growing brighter in the distance. A wave of happiness and relief rushed through my being, my fists unclenched, and my scream finally dissipated into space. Scrambling and full of adrenaline, I searched for a way out and found it. Never again will I voluntarily get onto the "Back to the Future" ride at Universal Studios.

:)

*This is fresh and unedited (sorry), and I felt like sharing this experience with you. If you could not tell from this piece, I extremely dislike roller coasters or simulations of roller coasters! I have tried to overcome the fear but the experience is so full of anxiety for me that it is not fun. Isn't that sad?! Maybe some day. Writing this was really fun!

Ever Thought Of...Work As Worship?

"Why do you go to work every day? Is it to make some money to pay the mortgage and have food on the table? Is it to have people look at you with respect? Is it just the thing you do because it is expected of you? OR is it to worship? Do you think a three-minute video could begin to change your perspective of your workplace? Why not give this video a look? Do you think you could talk only using questions for a whole day? Why not just watch the video? " Pastor Dave Parker

Wow. I love every part of this video! It came to me via an email from Riverpark Bible Church (my home church). It is my desire to worship God through my work as well. And not only while I am AT work, but afterward as well. I have a tendency to complain and declare how much I "dislike" my job. Naturally I have pushed away the notion that God has placed me where I am for a reason: to glorify Him and serve where I am. It is so difficult to see that in the midst of the challenges that arise. These challenges are but one more reason to come before Him in prayer and utter dependency. How amazing and humbling that is.

Oh, Heart.

Oh heart. You are prone to wander. Everyday. Heart, do you not know who He is? Have you forgotten already? Yes. Yes you have! Don't try to tell me otherwise.

You have forgotten the dead state in which you were before. Lifeless. Without light. Without love. Without really beating. A disgrace! Being led to and fro recklessly...Paralyzed and helpless!

But God, being rich in mercy, called you, heart, and drew you. Washed you, gave you life and light and made you know TRUE love. You began to really beat because of worthy blood, His blood, which gave you worth and feet to stand on against the tempest from whence you came. Helpless you are no longer! Rise up and cling to your Saviour, Helper, and King, who beautifies you, quiets you, and allows you an audience with the Father. Live! Finally, you can live! Everyday, every hour, every minute. Do not forget it, O heart! Not for one second!